"In a speech earlier today President Bush said if Iraq gets rid of Saddam Hussein, he will help the Iraqi people with food, medicine, supplies, housing, education - anything that's needed. Isn't that amazing? He finally comes up with a domestic agenda - and it's for Iraq.  Maybe we could bring that here if it works out." -Jay Leno

"Back when Hussein was using chemical weapons on his own people there wasn't a great deal of outrage from the Reagan-Bush White House."  -- Ted Koppel, ABC's Nightline Town Meeting, 03/04/03  [In fact, Ted, the US continued to sell chemical weapons to Hussein, with White House approval]

"Well, it looks like we've moved a step closer to war. Not with Iraq. With France and Germany. How did we screw that one up?" -Jay Leno

"This week the Pentagon released a 380 billion dollar budget this year that does not include any money for a war with Iraq. According to Pentagon officials, if President Bush wants a war he'll just have to get a summer job and pay for it himself." -Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"Democrats were quick to point out that President Bush's budget creates a1 trillion dollar deficit. The White House quickly responded with 'Hey, look over there, it's Saddam Hussein.'" -Craig Kilborn

"According to a new study, bad economic times can actually be good for you because people tend to exercise more and eat better. This is not a recession, this is the Bush Health Care Plan." -Jay Leno

"The number two Republican in the Senate, Mitch McConnell underwent heart surgery last week. He's doing fine. Nothing was actually wrong with his heart, it's just that whenever a Republican is elected to a leadership position, they have to have their heart bypassed." -Jay Leno

"Saddam Hussein in his interview with Dan Rather said he would rather die than leave his country in exile. Finally, something we can agree on, he'd rather die and we'd rather kill him." -Jay Leno

"Saddam Hussein also challenged President Bush to a debate. The Butcher of Baghdad vs. the Butcher of the English language." -Jay Leno

"Bush is oil. His number one donor is the petroleum and energy industry.  We didn't hold an election. We held an auction, and they put up the money." --Greg Palast, interview with LiberalOasis, 02/25/03

"President Bush has called for the end of the marriage tax calling marriage a 'sacred institution recognized by God and man.' Wow, this guy can't stop slamming the French." -Craig Kilborn

"President Bush announced tonight that he believes in democracy and that democracy can exist in Iraq. They can have a strong economy, they can have a good health care plan, and they can have a free and fair voting.  Iraq?  We can't even get this in Florida." -Jay Leno

"There's a sardonic two-liner making the rounds in Washington these days: 'How do we know that Saddam Hussein has biological and chemical weapons?  We have the receipts.'" --Ted Koppel, ABC's Nightline Town Meeting, 03/04/03

"Georgia Senator Zel Miller is very upset with CBS for doing a reality show called 'The Real Beverly Hillbillies.' It's about a poorer, middle class, rural family moving into a big mansion. Didn't we do that already? It was called 'The Clintons.'" -Jay Leno

"In an interview with Dan Rather, Saddam has challenged President Bush to a live, televised debate. I think this would be fair, since English is a second language to both of them." -Jay Leno

"Dan Rather interviewed Saddam Hussein in Baghdad. This Hussein is a weird guy but fascinating. In the interview, Hussein claims he's only had two nose jobs. During the interview, he also said he thought Bruce Springsteen should have won album of the year." -David Letterman

"They told us to buy duct tape and portable radios so that if the world does end, we can all listen to Rush Limbaugh blame it on Clinton." -Bill Maher, HBO's "Real Time With Bill Maher"

"Colin Powell aims to help the resolution's chance by traveling to 15 different countries to meet with their U.N. representatives. Then, at the end, he'll decide which one to marry." -Craig Kilborn

"The Mustang Ranch was recently seized by the federal government. They had some tax problems and so now the government owns it. Well, they don't know what they are supposed to do with a former whorehouse. I was thinking, how about a branch of the Clinton library?" -David Letterman

"President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage war, and I'm thinking, well, hell, he didn't need the approval of the American voters to become president, either." -David Letterman

"Public service announcement: In case of a terrorist attack, bottled water and duct tape are not going to do a damn thing. So do what Homeland Security Dir. Tom Ridge does: Get really drunk, and pick up a hooker." -David Letterman

"According to the Associated Press, there's a rumor that Saddam Hussein is now hiding weapons in schools. When asked why, Saddam said, Because a school is the last place President Bush will look." -Conan O'Brien

"The road to war with Iraq may be taking a detour as Turkey is now demanding $30 billion from the U.S. in exchange for allowing us to use their bases. But without those bases our bombers won't be able to reach France." -Craig Kilborn

"The state of Nevada is now going to start taxing prostitutes. Talk about embarrassing, today I was written off as a business loss." -Craig Kilborn

"American troops are headed to the Philippines to disrupt a Muslim rebel group there and get back to what they should be doing: Making Nikes for Americans." -Bill Maher, HBO's "Real Time With Bill Maher"

"The bidding for Turkey is still at $26B to let us deploy our troops there.  Now, Joe Lieberman came out today, and he said, not to criticize the president, but that's what happens when you let the gentiles do the haggling." -Bill Maher, HBO's "Real Time With Bill Maher"

"Army personnel in Kuwait unloaded a dozen faulty tanks that only go in reverse. Tanks that only go in reverse - they've been repackaged and sold to France." -Craig Kilborn

"President Bush remained undeterred by the massive display of American opposition, even though much of it came from the hundreds of thousands of voters who supported [him] by voting for Nader." -Jon Stewart, on anti-war protests

"Well, those of you who still believe the myth of the liberal media should consider this:  MSNBC, an obscure cable channel, has fired Donahue, the host of its highest-rated show.  A memo from inside NBC shows that NBC big wigs feared that the liberal Donahue represented in the words of the NBC memo -- quote -- "a difficult public face for NBC at a time of war, while our competitors are waving the flag at every opportunity because he seems to delight in guests who are anti-war, anti-Bush and skeptical of the administration's motives."  So there it is, according to NBC. Phil Donahue was fired because he's a liberal. In fact, the only liberal with the solo cable talk show. NBC, of course, is a division of the conglomerate GE, where they apparently only bring right wing things to life."  --Paul Begala, Crossfire, 03/05/03

"President Bush said protestors will not stop him from going to war. Well, duh, losing the popular vote didn't stop him from being president." -Jay Leno

"Gephardt said even though he and the other Democratic candidates have different views they all will give the same concession speech." -Craig Kilborn

"What you should do is take the plastic sheeting and duct tape it over the TV." -Michael Feldman, on public radio's "Whad'Ya Know?"

"Remember at the beginning of the week how members of Congress said they wanted to boycott French products? Well France is now fighting back. They said from now on we can no longer film any of our cheesy reality shows at their chateaus in their country side." -Jay Leno

"Tom Ridge now says we don't have to run out and put plastic sheets all over the house. Great, tell that to my dead parakeet." -Craig Kilborn

"The Grammy's were just so long and boring.  It was so dull that I thought I was hosting it...  About half way through the show Phil Spector got up and fired off a couple rounds to create some excitement."  -- Letterman

"The city of Los Angeles now considering taking away the cars of men who solicit prostitutes.  Is that going to work?  If you don't have a car, the only women who'll talk to you in this town are prostitutes." -Jay Leno

"Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped." -Groucho Marx

"I wish people who have trouble communicating would just shut up." -Tom Lehrer